Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
