Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
