Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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