You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
