Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
