just tell him i said nine months
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
