I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
