I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
