My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
