I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
