In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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