How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
