I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
