how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
