I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
