Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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