Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
she woke up with a sticky ear
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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