He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
