Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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