found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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