Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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