Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
