I think I died a long time ago.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
