i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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