i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
