Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
