Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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