Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
if only i could text you this smell
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
