I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
