Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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