I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
