goodnight i made you a song goodbye
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
