also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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