apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
