Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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