All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
