remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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