I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do vagina's smell?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
