I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
