Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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