Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She said her name was "party"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
