Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just blew my weed a kiss
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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