this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
