You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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