I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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