I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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