I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
