If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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