I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
