just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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