You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
