I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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