This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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