he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
